420 ftw
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
