you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
