I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
