Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
