why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
