Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful