Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home