I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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