Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
