He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
