hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
