Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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