my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
