matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
