it was like his penis was on wheels.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
