Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I AM VODKA MAN
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
