it was like his penis was on wheels.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
