No stitches, just platelets and will power
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
