Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
