not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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