I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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