today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
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my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
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She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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