I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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