9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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