Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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