Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I don't deserve a penis
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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