You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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