oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
NoShamevember. You game?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize