Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
