shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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