My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
