Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
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Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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