If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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