So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
