Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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