It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
