I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
