why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
