Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
