In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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