i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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