and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
