sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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