Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
