I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
