wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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