If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
she peed on how many people?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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