I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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