I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
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drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
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When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....