I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.