dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
So squirting runs in the family.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
