You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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