a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
