I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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