Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
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You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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