Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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