Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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