dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
